Thinking outloud...photography

I am recently hearing amazing feedback from my family and friends... upon receiving a book from GiGi called 'Starting your Photography business' I realized how serious everyone around me is about any blooming talent I may have. I'm feeling it... but I'm so nervous about it...Its such a competitive market now as quality cameras are becoming more and more inexpensive. Although I do believe that professional photography its really an art... a special eye... and a unique flair...not just about the equipment. (tho having a nice tool is really important too) I really enjoy doing this... but could I actually make money... should I actually start a business doing this?? My style of photography is more journalistic than traditional (I think) ... is there an interest out there from family's to have someone document there children... rather than posed contrived images?? (more internal talking) Can I raise my kids... run a home... and work two businesses??? Am I over thinking?? Where to start? How do I market myself... when do I know to get serious? Hmmm...

ow... isn't this the funniest picture of Lucy ever... she is such a ham!

Keeping it Real

So it just dawned on me that my baby Girl Lucy will be turning 1 next month. Woah, seriously what happened with the last year?? As I am officially emerging from the nak, sleep, nak, poop...rinse...repeat...phase of my life. I hold a basket of mixed emotions. Mostly I feel overwhelmingly blessed that all of my children are happy and healthy. I feel contented as a mother that I am doing well by my children... and peace that I will make mistakes, but no so severe that they will ruin my precious 3. I have found balance in my marriage that allows me to respect and deeply love my spouse...while maintaining a strong self identity. I always thought that the "honeymoon phase" would be the best part of the marriage... not so much gals! Nope, it was a foreign, rocky roller coaster. Especially as a woman coming in to her own... that is a journey all by itself. Anyway, I will go on about the 10 year honeymoon later.

I mention these things because they make me feel full...happy....sucessful. And really I want for nothing more...than a god filled, full, peaceful and happy life for my family. Simple isn't it??? Not really if you have to factor money into this equation. Whats life without challenges and loopholes...right?! Well, on this solid road to success we have officially reached our first speed bump. No one could have foreseen what the economy was going to do to so many families like ours...and we never envisioned that we would be in this position to even talk about it... foreclosure... yep, its a nasty dirty word... and the pit in a homeowners stomach. With inflated interest rates and deflated economy... we have been left upside down on a home that we can no longer afford to live in and cannot afford to get out of. Thank goodness that Andy has good job security...as unfortunately, there is never a shortage of crime or people in trouble. Losing our home is definitely not the end all for us... we have SOOOO much to feel blessed and thankful for. I know this adventure coming for us...is just another way for God to help us grow in our love for him and to strengthen our bond with each other. I believe we are not meant to know all of his intentions.

We are awaiting a few more calls from the mortgage company to see if there is a last ditch chance to save this bad situation... if not, we have been given another great oppurtunity right around the corner...literally... just a neighborhood away. I have been developing a wonderful relationship with one of my very first Bundleboo customers...she has become a close friend of mine over the last year...despite the fact that she lives in Germany with her family now. Her beautiful home came up on the rental listings at the right price...at the right time... and its just what we need to feel at home again. Hmmmm... amazing how he works huh. So with that said, I feel at peace with WHATEVER happens. Goodness its late...gotta shove off to bed now. HUGS everyone!

body image...Before and Before pictures

First of all I want to say that I don't consider myself as having a distorted body image. I know that I've been blessed with some good genetics and in my life time I really haven't had to deal with alot of overweight issues. I will say that it really doesn't matter if you are overweight or skinny...people will always have an opinion of your body type. And it is a rare person that doesn't have some sort of body image issues. In high school I was very thin... and people would ask me often if I had an eating disorder. I would prefer being heavier over being accused of gagging myself. As I've matured, I've learned to accept my body type, the things that I don't like...and focus on the things that I do. Since I am the topic of fitness and "bouncing back" I wanted to post a few before pictures to compare my post pregnancy and pre-fitness body.

The photo was taken on one of my trips with Andy...pre family. I was about 130lbs...I was pretty happy with the way that I looked here. I was about 115lbs in highschool ... it took me quitting sports to gain weight enough to have curves ...thus, looking more like a woman and less like a little boy :)

This photo was taken about 4months after having Max. I was about 155 lbs here. I was a little insecure about my body...but loving the mommy boobs.

The above and below photos were taken about 5 months pregnant with Katy. I didn't gain a lot of weight but I was starting to feel the gravity effects of having children so close together. One thing I have NEVER liked about my body is how I displace all my extra weight into my back. It doesn't seem to matter what I weight I always have folds and creases in my back. I do enjoy being pregnant tho and I think my body image gets better when I'm pregnant because it doesn't seem to matter if you're extra bumpy while baby is on board. I was proud of my baby body with Katy Ro.

The below photo was taken about 32 weeks with Lucy... note my butterfly tattoo peeking out...Andy jokes that it looks like a raptor when I'm pregnant...lol. I must admit that at this point I knew my body would never be the same again.


These photos were taken today... here's a very flattering shot of my back rolls...lol. I know I will never get rid of them completely...but I would love to tone up a bit.

And of course mother nature has taken a toll on the muscles in my stomach. I can usually suck it in and disguise it pretty well in clothes. But to be honest for this post... I really look like I'm 5 months pregnant. See above for reference...lol.

Well, sigh...now that I've laid it all out there... Its time to set some goals. I don't have a weight goal in mind... frankly I have no idea what I weigh. First and foremost, I would like to work on building back the energy that I once had...even just to improve mood and motivation. Image wise, I would like to strengthen my abdominals, tone up my back and arms and put some bulk on my chicken legs. If I can accomplish this...I would be very pleased.

your turn :)

A Brand New Day~ Prayer Chain Request

When you awaken in the morning

and see the brightness of the morning sun,

Lock the door on yesterday

and throw away the key.

For God has given you a brand new day,

Another day of love and laughter.

Seize each moment before it flies away,

For sweeter than the fragrant flower is each precious golden hour.

Make today your best day,

The power is yours alone.

Make today the happiest and the best you've ever known.

Yesterday is gone, as in a dream,

Tomorrow is a vision still unseen.

Today is yours to live,

It's treasures you can use.

It can be your best day,

It's up to you to choose!

~Author Unknown~

Please say this prayer with me, today.

Dear Lord, please lay your healing hands on her body and mind. Allow her peace to accept and embrace today as if it were her best day. Walk with her dear lord, and guide her faith on this journey that only you know. Please God, help put her restless mind at ease so that she may focus on today only. She is in your hands lord, enhance her spirit so that she may endure what will pass.

God, I pray for her family. Help them to lift her up...to stay positive...to seize the day.

I also pray that you guide the doctors hands this week as they journey into this unknown. That they successfully remove this intruder from her body. Thank you lord, in Jesus name I pray...amen.

This is a prayer that I've written for someone very very close to me. Out of respect I have promised not to name names. But, I was hoping you could help me with a prayer chain...I want to lift her up higher than ever.

Give them the benefit of the doubt!

I was putting the dishes away tonight thinking of a conversation my husband and I had earlier in the car. He was on the phone with the lady from the bank trying to get me a new check card... the lady went about her usual gambit of security questions... and perhaps more than she needed to. I could see his frustrations rising with her...and then he proceeds to ask this woman if she is playing games with him. Hmmmm... there is something about this that doesn't jive well with my personality.

First and foremost, to Andy's credit I try and understand his perspective of people... being in the line of work that he is. Officers and public services workers are generally exposed to the worst of the worst people on a daily basis...and how do you not become jaded in a sense. When 90% of the people you come across at work...lie to you and try to play mind games with you.

Truly these people are such a minute percentage of our entire population. Its my belief that the average citizen has every best intention to do the right thing. That questionable behavior or poor mood is purely circumstantial. We don't know what kind of day they are having or what had brought them to this point in there lives. You know, I believe in laws and the justice system...I believe in my husband and what he does for the community. It makes me feel safe to know that we are protected by our fellow service men...and they uphold the law to maintain order and peace. But I also feel that a large percentage of people that end up in jail are still good people...good people, who got caught up in bad circumstances...bad choices doesn't mean...bad people. Its up to God to decide that persons eternal classification.

What I'm trying to say... lol... geeze... you will encounter people in your lives that aren't pleasant, make bad choices, lack communication in the means that you can understand. It doesn't mean that this person is trying to deliberately hurt or defy you...(that is a very self centered perspective of others.). I know that there is evil out there... I'm not oblivious to it. I just feel that we can better serve our purpose in life... by not fighting negative with negative..."two wrongs doesn't make a right.." and giving the gift of "benefit of the doubt" helps keep the feeling of trust and closeness in the community. Plus being kind feels so much better than being angry :)

My mom :)...photoshop help

My mom :), originally uploaded by bundleboo.

In less than a month I'm going to be 29...2-9!!! I asked my dad the other night...(like he had some hidden information that I was missing out on...) where the heck did my 20's go?? With out skipping a beat he chimed in with..."To making babies Becky"... sure enough that's what Ive been doing for the better part of the last 6 years.. This is my mother, isn't she beautiful?? I am not afraid to grow old... just look at how beautiful and radiant she is. My grandmother GiGi and my Great grandmother are just as radiant. I only hope to have been blessed with those awesome "Matics" women genes... I guess I will have to wait to find out.

I want to say a few things about my mother. First of all, she is such an amazing person...I am totally blessed to have the relationship that I do with her. I was so tough on her as a teenager and having my own children has put many MANY things into perspective for me. My mom was the female role model that I needed growing up...as I was a very awkward child. Eccentric and creative, I didn't ever fit in very well and had a hard time making friends that were lasting. My mother was (and is) my rock...my cheerleader as she calls herself. Never skipping a beat to tell me that I was something special...that I was pretty...smart... that I could do whatever I wanted as a woman. And even to this day, she is consistent with this. Non-judgemental and accepting of exactly who I am. My mother was the one I brainstormed with to come up with Bundleboo...without her encouragement on my photography I would have never seen a talent within myself. As a woman she is an incredible person! Very intuitive, giving, caring, loving, smart, savvy and so creative. She wants to be a teen counselor at her church... and I am so proud, I only wish I knew how to encourage her like she does me. I could go on and on...I love my mom! I am also developing this wonderful relationship with my grandmother GiGi as well...and adult relationship that feels separate from the grandmother I loved growing up. This special connection that I think I could only earn as a grown woman and mother...she is really a savvy and smart woman. She has a lot to offer and is very genuine. I can always depend on her for the big honest opinion. Love you GiGi!

On a separate note I am having some PSE 7 (photoshop elements 7) troubles... ANYONE OUT THERE A PHOTOSHOP NERD??? HELP OVER IN ISLE CRUNCHY MONKEY PLEASE!! I have been working with RAW files downloading an average of 30-40 RAW files at a time directly into PSE7. I can get the RAW editing up and working fine, but as soon as I click "open image" to do the "full edit" option... 8-10 times my computer freezes up. GRRRR..I've had to re-boot 10 times today just to finish my editing. What gives?????

They Like me...they really like me!!!

Nicolle from The Pink Chandelier gave me this sweet award for having never ending diarrhea of the mouth...lol. As a result of being bestowed this gracious award I have to confess 10 things about my self then forward the honors onto other deserving bloggers.

1. I yell at my kids a lot more than I would like to... the volume some days doesn't seem to have controls...and I wish I could be a calmer parent when the frustration heats up.

2. I can be an absentminded and sometimes flaky friend...I don't mean to be...I love my friends dearly, but I shift my priorities drastically from day to day sometimes without consideration for others feelings. (I will forget to call, drop play dates at the last minute or worse yet not show up at all...its terrible and I so have to stop it....or I'm sure I will not have friends anymore)

3. I forget birthdays ALL THE TIME... even my own sometimes. I don't want it to ever be a reflection of how I feel about the person but I'm sure it comes across that I don't care... My close friend Caroline had to remind me this year...and still I have yet to do anything for her...I'm feeling guilty about this. I forgot my mother's birthday last year.

4. I get dressed about twice a week...and stay home just to avoid to the hassle of dressing and packing up to go out. My poor kids have cabin fever...good thing Max goes to school otherwise we'd really be house bound.

5. I would love to have one more baby... but I know its not a possibility with our smaller home and lack of finances. (If money were no object I will probably have more children.)

6. Up until very recently I would use my kids as an excuse to get out of things I did not want to do.

7. I used to smoke Cigarettes.

8. I HATE the way my bellybutton looks.

9. I am compulsive about starting new projects then never finishing them.

10. The bathroom in my bedroom is really gross. I haven't cleaned it in over 2 months. ICK...hopefully I will get to it soon.

Right now I am blogging when I should be spending time with Katy Ro... so later I will post who my award will go to... toodles!

praise and pleasers

day 10, originally uploaded by bundleboo.

I had someone comment on one of my videos that I should not say "Good job" rather I should say "look what you did". That really was the extent of the comment...nothing more elaborate. What I took from it was a parenting approach that I've been trying to uphold since Max was a baby...I just happened to get called out on it. Its a tough one to keep up with because it requires a lot of added feedback rather than simple responses.

I have a belief that it is really not a good approach to praise our children by saying things such as "Good boy or Nice job"...not that its harmful in anyway but the frame of mind from the child becomes outward pleasing rather than inward seeking. To say "Good boy" puts a label the child that is variable...and the expectation is that he has to remain this way in order to please others...when in reality each day or situation is variable not the person. In other words...to offer praise outside of labeling... you must recognize the ACTION as good or bad...not the child. This way it should lessen the insecurities that come with being imperfect and making mistakes or having an off day. Offering more elaborate praise should also inspire self confidence and inspire creativity to expand what the child feels good about....rather than do simple redundant things to elicit praise from others.

In this picture I was telling Katy ro "It was really nice of you to share your doll with baby Lucy, does it make you feel good to know that your being such a big girl...I love you."

It may have been easier to just say "Good girl katy ro" or "Good job sharing"

I would really like to improve my actions on this theory...I am really good about not labeling when it comes to bad behavior... you will never hear me tell my kids that they are being bad...or worse...that they ARE bad. Rather I might say "Max, that is bad behavior..." I might inspire him to think inward by asking questions...such as.."How would it make YOU feel if some one did that to you?" And inspire him to offer a solution on his own. I try SO hard not to try and stronghold their behavior with threats and ultimatums... by the end of the day thats how it ends up... I need to work on this...as well as my own patience. Anyway...wow its 11:30 already....off to bed!

Happy New Year!!!...Modesty

Happy new year everyone!!! My new years resolution this year is try and balance my hobbies...I seem to be jumping from one interest to another to another... I think its because I get bored quickly working on one thing...or reading from the same book...so I switch it up often...it drives people around me crazy ...lol. As you can see this weeks adventure is photography...although I have jumped into it with both feet...I feel that it will hang around for a while. (I take pictures every day for this blog...and it really feeds my cravings for creativity)

Last night I brought in the new year with close friends. The kids were with me...and awake until 1am in the morning. A little out of sorts today but it was fun! Andy stayed home by himself, he wasn't feeling well or up to staying up late...I don't blame him, he has to get up at 4:30 in the morning to work everyday.

I had a discussion with one of my friends last night about her job as a 4th grade teacher. It scares the crap out of me to think that Max will be in public school next year. Grade school children just aren't as innocent as they were when I was that age. The topics of conversation and vulgar sexual gestures towards one another AND the teachers is just outrageous. She made a very good point in mentioning that the children that were "sheltered" from nudity, private talk and were given the short end of the stick when it came to raw answers to curious questions...these children were the ones seeming to be the most vulgar and disgusting when it came to "family life" conversations with peers and vulgar antics.


I have questioned myself recently on how to define modesty for my children AND enable them with body confidence and awareness. I think that if we enforce a don't show, don't talk about, don't touch rule when it comes to body etiquite... I fear that they will think that naked means "dirty" as a result... naked means "sex" (later on down the road)... I want the two things to be TOTALLY seperate as far as they are concerned. Anyway, do you get where Im coming from? I want my kids to go to grade school and hear these comments and see these gestures and think....SO WHAT! No big deal... you're not so cool...and have good body awareness and confidence to not fall into the vularness of it all. (I could go on and on)


I am thinking of coming up with a fun "hobby" photograpy name...something cute I can stamp on the pictures to mark them as my own. Any ideas of a name...or design? More pics here from today.

my grandmother...finding peace

Its really late and I should be in bed sleeping...the rest of my family is. I am behind on making my Christmas gifts so I'm playing a little catch up while its quiet in my house. I don't really have much quiet time in my life...obviously I'm pretty busy. Since the word that my grandmother was sick and the trip to Connecticut I've not really reflected on my feelings about this. I see everyone around me grieving and finding closure with the fact that she is no longer with us...but I've not yet reflected on my own feelings until just now. Truly, I have never lossed someone I really loved and cared for until she passed. I've heard that some people grieve instantly at the thought of someone close to them dying...I wasn't one of them... I think deep down inside I was in denial that soon she would never be with us anymore.

The real reflection is that although my father Joe is not my "biological" father...but he has NEVER felt to me anything less than that. I love him so much that my heart tears in two thinking of anything ever happening to him. Grandma Landino scooped me up at three years old, and all of my fathers family treated me from the beginning as if I was there own flesh and blood. It was because I felt so close to grandma and THAT family that I literally felt like there Italian flesh and blood...feeling this brought me closer to my dad growing up. I would tell people at school that I was part Romanian part Italian and even did school projects on that heritage...I was (am) so proud to be a Landino.

I remember loud Italian holiday dinners...grandma was an incredible cook. It amazes me how much grace and charm she had amongst so much chaos in her home. My father has 4 sisters and 1 bother (bobby died a few years ago to cancer also)...when we were all together it was crazy...loud...and so much fun. This was familiar and comfortable. My mom would always joke about us being the two blonde oddballs...but I never really took that to heart...I was a Landino...no matter how much different I was from them at times.

I remember how much she loved my grandfather...those two were married for over 50 years. I picture how sweetly she cared for him...rubbing his shoulders and kissing the top of his bald head.

I remember how much she loved my brother and I, and how her face would light up every time she would see us. It made me feel so welcomed and wonderful. I looked forward to visiting her every year.

I remember how she cared for herself. I have particular memories of watching her put her make-up on at the kitchen table...and thinking I hope my skin looks as pretty as hers when I am at her age.

I remember how she really listened when I spoke, like there wasn't anything more important then what I had to say...she really made me feel like I was something pretty darn special.

I remember the first time she held my son...and how the love in her eyes lit up the room. I felt so honored to bring something into this world that could create so much joy.

I will always remember the last time I saw her, she was holding my newest baby Lucy and my baby nephew Joey... that image is still fresh in my mind. I felt so wonderful that I could bring her that joy one more time before I said goodbye.

Little did I know, that was my last goodbye. My heart has a little empty spot now that can never be refilled. Its really weird, I can't imagine that my life will be missing someone so profound. My heart goes to my father and his siblings who are now without a mother...I cannot imagine how that must feel (I don't even want to think about it) and more so for Grandpa Landino who has lost his soul mate. I pray that he finds some peace in his heart to go about day to day life without her.

Anyway, (sigh) I don't think I have completely felt what I need to... I know I haven't found my peace yet. It will defiantly be nice spending this Christmas with my father at home...I thought that he would be away for sometime helping to keep Grandma as comfortable as possible while she went through that process. I am grateful he is here now. I'm tired. Going to bed now.

validation and communication

Tonight was not a good night. Not at all. As a woman, wife and mother I am realizing that I really need to reconfigure where I get my validation from. Speaking frankly and from my heart, I am a person that tends to be bit of an overachiever. I was blessed with many talents...but my biggest weakness comes from the fact that I need to be validated to feel that I'm good at anything. Before children I was easily validated and found instant gratification with my job... seeing that my actions were making a profound impact on the lives of other people around me. For those that don't know me, I was a career paramedic and a local volunteer. Saving or sustaining life was an easy and obvious validation... words didn't need to tell me that I was making a difference with what I did. Everything changed after I had kids...and the priorities in my life shifted. Being a stay at home mom means everything to me... but its a thankless lonely job (most days). And yes, its a job... one that I love more than anything in this world...and the price of my selflessness WAY out weighs the countless ... thankless... years. As an overachiever I tend to think I can do everything... take care of a home, raise three children, run a business, be a good wife, daughter and friend, keep hobbies and interests.

My grandmother put it profoundly to me the other day... nobody can do EVERYTHING .... something has to give. I don't think that comment was intended or directed at me... she is very proud of everything I have accomplished... but what she says is still ringing in my head. Especially after the blowout fight I had with my husband tonight. I can't help but take failure personally. My husband is the person in my life that I need the most validation from... I expect that when my emotional/physical "giving well" is running dry and he will help fill it up. Our life "rolls" have kept us both so occupied over the last 5 years (since we've had children) that there is little room left for the much needed validation...the time and appreciation that is needed to get us "caught up" is just not there. So where does that leave me?

I feel that I stockpile validation from friends and family with the good things that I do...to keep going with what it is that I do. I expect some validation from him because he is the most profound person in my life... and as an emotional female... I assumed (which seems to be what gets me in the biggest trouble) that those things would come naturally in a marriage. I know that he tries his hardest to be a good husband and father... and he really is...we are just so different that it makes "communications" about needs and priorities soooo hard sometimes. I tend to "listen" emotionally... instead of "logically" and that really is what he requires for the good harmony (I can't seem to be morelogical than emotional) Most men from what I've seen... are creatures of routine, structure, balance and stability. I am NONE of the above. I appreciate an unpredictable day... I get bored with routine... I like to try new things until I'm good at it... then stop. But with these aspects that make me ME...It makes for a pretty unstable environment for someone that is regulations and structure oriented. Honestly, raising my children and running my business is the only thing that I have been consistent with for as long as I can remember. ... I think that's because these things leave plenty of room for growth and improvement. (obviously no matter how hard parenting gets...I can NEVER give up on my kids)

So this all leaves me with one question... how do I validate ME? Enough to fill my well without the help of others? To veer away from the selfish aspect of living FOR validation... and start seeking within...taking all pressure off of the people who I care about (whether they realize I'm doing it or not)

Seasonal Depression

So I have been in a fog for the last week... I guess my obsessive blogging is due to the fact that if I don't fill up my extra space with something constructive...all I want to do is sleep. Today is Sunday... I was supposed to go to Church with Lisa and I didn't even realize what day it was...until I woke up from a nap this afternoon and realized that the weekend is over. .....
......

A girlfriend of mine just stopped by .... much needed company. I think we are going to take up knitting to beat the winter months... and make presents for Christmas... any suggestions on scarf or hat patterns... I have been dreaming of making wool soakers but I don't know how to knit and I haven't found a good DIY site.